Tuesday, 25 October 2016

25- what a time to be alive

Hi all,
So my last post was like 10 months ago.

It was a complete snapshot of my mental health collapsing after i had endured an non-stop two year torture to gain a nursing degree.
Which i have done.
I now have two jobs that i love very much and they cement for me that i am on the right path.
It has been a very busy but interesting time.
I have worked my arse off and are doing a ridiculous amount of hours between two establishments but i love every second of it.
So in a nutshell... my previous post was raw, honest, sore and bitchy but it was what it was.
I thought my world and everything i was striving for was over. Turns out, ye of little faith, it was only just beginning... ANd i haven't forgotte where i came from. I am still helping those i studied with get jobs because we are all in this together.

Anyway, the purpose for this blog is to unpack body image. I just saw the movie 'Embrace', starring Taryn Brumfitt. If you don't know anything about the movie, click here; wiki link or the trailer.
It discusses how the media is shaping our thoughts and expectations around our bodies and how we strive to be something we're not.
Kind of touching on always setting ourselves up for failure and having unrealistic expectations from the bodies we have ultimately resulting in self hate.
It was a really interesting topic. I dislike the way i look. I don't like my body after having kids. I often joke to people and say 'if i knew what would happen to my body after having kids (stretch marks) i'd have been naked all the time beforehand!' and it's actually not a joke.
I see the people in this movie talking about loving themselves and it just seems like i will never be able to do it...
BUT it doesn't mean i'm not going to try because about a month ago, Mimi (7 yo) put her school jacket on in the morning ready for the bus and then promptly took it off and said ' i can't wear that, it makes me look fat'.
A piece of me died inside.
This child, MY child, MY creation is beautiful.
All my children are beautiful.
I want them to see themselves how i see them.
Completely perfect just as they are.
This is when i realised there was a problem.
I realised that i had helped create the problem.
I ask if i look fat in clothes all the time.
I am not confident and struggle to feel good in clothes.
Don't get me wrong... i love clothes... and naked isn't an option either. it's worse if you ask me.
But see that's the core of the problem. I have no self love. I am not treating myself with gratitude.
I've carried 4 babies.
Two of them were at the same time.
It has not been easy.
It was not a walk in the park.
Only one of my children weighed under 7lb and that's because he was a premie.
So my body has done a good job there.
Hearing Mimi talk like that has already changed the way i speak around the house and regarding appearance and i am now on the long journey of learning to love myself.
I will strive to be the best i can be, because right now i know that i need to take time out for me to exercise and clear my mind because my body needs the endorphin's not because i want to punish myself for not fitting the social norm of 'beautiful'.
This road will be slow and sometimes those voices inside my head might win... but their fight to control my thoughts just got a lot harder.
I have three daughters to raise and i am not going to raise them in the ideals that they need to look a certain way to feel beautiful, be happy and accepted.
I will do right by my daughters.

Thanks for reading,


Monday, 16 November 2015

post 24- everything you've ever done amounts to not much... except numbers

** there is some fricken errors in this post with the font that are a glitch and i cannot fix sorry**
This is pre-grad position release; Further down is post grad position release.

So as my degree draws to a close it's becoming inevitably clear that despite how good you are at what you do and how good you are at retaining the information and demonstrating it... if you don't get a GPA that is right up there... you will not be successful in job applications.
It doesn't matter that every place you've been on placement have repeatedly said that if it were up to them they would have you working there asap.
It is down to how well you can write about things in essays. And even then, you're not home and hosed because every lecturer, tutor or unit coordinator likes it a different way.
I love how you are told to write, so you do, only to have it ripped to shreds, not for its content but the way you portrayed the information and the bits you chose to portray.
I am not alone in suffering the inconsistency of university.
But i feel i am about to become extremely alone when i am not offered a graduate position.
I hope i do get offered one... but the likelihood of that is getting less and less.
No one seems to understand... except those also in this position. Outsiders try to understand but nothing an remove the heaviness in the pit of your stomach as slowly, everyone gets interviews or phone calls and you get nothing...
See my problem is this; i have too much going in my life that something has to give. The children aren't it, my husband and his business aren't it... do you know what it is? it's me. It is my time and my plan that is always compromising for my family and now because of that i may miss out on a graduate position because i did not have the time to devote to the assignments that i should have. Pulling all nighters and having two jobs as well as raising three children (four if you include my husband) is a tough gig and my quality of work has suffered as a result. I don't want to resent my family but the feelings come creeping in, especially when my marks pre-kids & husband were high.
I sit here tonight with one hope left in the public health system, that they will offer me a job.
As i have nothing left to give. i have given my all, i have cried all my tears and nursed my arse off and quite possibly could turn around empty handed. feeling like my all, my all that i could afford to give without completely ruining my family (although placement nearly does), is not actually good enough.
Something i know for sure is i am a bloody good nurse. I give it my all. When i am nursing, that is all that matters. I am in the moment. I am not sacrificing my time for my families priorities. I am 100% there and present. That's what hurts the most... i can't demonstrate that on an assignments. My placement feedback reflects it but hardly anyone wants to look at that. It all comes down to those numbers...
After all what are we in life but some frigging numbers...

Post grad position;
I'm good but poo at the same time.  Like all good nurses, lets start with poo first;

I didn't get a first round offer for any of the hospitals or aged care i aplied to.
I was ok with it on Wednesday when the news broke but i felt heavy in my chest. I continued along but by Thursday afternoon, having tolerated two full, long days of people's success being shoved down my throat, not even keeping off social media could spare me... people felt the need to text me- which was a HUGE test for me, anyway on Thursday evening i broke down. I sat on the floor in my toilet and actually cried (howled) the hardest i've cried since my sons funeral because i don't think i've ever felt like more of a failure than at those two points in my life.
Anyway, after my children broke into the toilet to cuddle me, i scraped myself together and let it wash over me and the reality of the situation that this is not the end really sank in. 
I felt so much better on Friday... Sure i didn't look better... all puffy etc but i felt free and light.
I love my PEP but i had been holding back a bit because i doubted myself and everything i knew because i felt i wasn't good enough to be employed which OBVIOUSLY meant i sucked at nursing.
But on Friday, i let go of that bullshit. Took on some patients and was given some of the best 
feedback i've ever had. The nurse i was with requested that i stay and help instead of attending PPE 
training (as i'd done it a few months before for casual job) so that was also nice.
I've honestly never felt more at ease nursing than when i'm nursing for these little people.

So in summary... i love it. Morale of my story is this:
I needed to get over my insecurities and know that i may not look to flash on paper (thanks to my 
own busy life and my own kiddies... no resentment there... can you tell?) but i DO know my stuff and i'm going to keep doing my absolute best because it's not over yet...
The struggle is real and it has really helped me see people for who they really are. There are those that are humble in their triumph over others... and then there are those who are fuck sticks about it... forgetting that they too were standing where i am only moments earlier...
It can't be helped. That is just who they are and i am not fleeting in my happiness for them. I am genuinely happy and one day when i am in the same position i will be mindful to consider those not as fortunate... as well as congratulating those that struggled hard for the position they gained. Celebrating is fine and essential but considerate celebrating is also kind. Every single person i have talked to has found this course a struggle at some point or another.... not one person is more deserving than another. If only the truth of the situation regarding the shortage of RNs was realised... then we'd all have jobs....

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Post 23- what the...?

Hello all!
I haven't written in a while because I was on HOLIDAYS!!!
I know, I know! HOLY SMOKES BATMAN... HOLIDAYS! But hold on... I did nothing exciting...!
I cleaned my house... thoroughly. And I'm ashamed to admit it but I was excited about it.
It's not finished but meh... what in life actually gets finished when you have 3 kids and two jobs and a husband who's arms are painted on when he enters the inside of the house..? NOTHING.
So yeah.. i did my best and it's still not good enough... but on with getting my degree.
I wanted to talk about two articles today. The first one is about a husband who is not attracted to his wife any more now that she is a sz 18+ (read it here);
Now to this guy... my heart went out. He still loves his wife in every way but finds he is no longer physically attracted to her because of this and instead of body shaming her, because he says she does that enough already, he seeks out the advice of others. Now this can be perceived two ways, which the comments clearly showed;
one: "What an arsehole. its for better or worse you mother fucking piece of shit!" this was also thrown around "what if she'd lost a limb huh? would you love her then?? shallow arsehole!!" So much hate for this dude. It got me thinking... This surely didn't happen over night. Does he not have a good enough relationship with his wife that he can actually just gently talk about it..? BUT I felt a connection with the other side of the story, His. Sure it's for better or worse but what about his happiness? He loves every other aspect of this woman. its just her size... and it is impacting the other areas. He wants to help her gently and safely but just doesn't know how. Now as a wife who feels like a fat lump, much to my husbands disagreement, i can totally understand trying to look good for my husband. that is what I want to do. But this woman must have some other serious shit going on to expand the way she has. I think that she needs help and he needs help. they all need help. She will end up in an early grave and no one wants that. The body is not designed to be overweight. The pressure on the functioning systems of the body is massively intensified. I have concern for this woman from a health perspective but i think that no amount of gym time or healthy eating is going to fix her... unless she sorts out the real cause of her weight gain which could be anything ranging from mental health to emotional well being. But as the husband mentions in the article, she has not been able to stick with the gyming. He could always join. i love working out with my husband. Its sexy to see all his muscles cranking! DELICIOUS.
Now, on the flip side is this article, which my husband doesn't even believe is real (you can read it here);
This article is written by a woman, who's size is not disclosed, but she talks about not being her perky 20 year old self after 3 kids and another 20 years BUT she says her husband never wanted to bang her, even in the beginning, after the initial honeymoon phase of the relationship had worn off! And she still married that dude. And had 3 kids. The issue here is he watches porn. A LOT. Like 4+ times a week according to this woman. He would rather iron one out solo than park it in his garage.
My mind boggled. What is going on here i thought...? what the actual fuck is wrong with this man? with this woman..? with any of it..? holy fucking not fucking!
She has threatened etc and it's gone nowhere. He loves to bat it out alone. She copped flack on this page, and so did he.. much like the other post.
Porn... Yes... i'm going to talk about my opinion of it. Porn is great if it's together or the other partner is comfortable and aware of what is going down solo. And by that I don't mean announcing every time you're going to go solo... I just mean that I feel the conversation needs to be had about what level is acceptable and both people are comfortable with. Porn is taboo... but guess what? so is miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, homosexuality and so many things. i feel these things are taboo for three reason; 1. Religion -thanks Catholicism for zipping the lips of anyone who has ever felt different of thought differently or 'failed' in your eyes, 2. the fear of offending one another.. truth about this is be tactful but don't lose who you are and come from a place of kindness. 3. fear of rejection and fear of failure- no one wants to be rejected of fail. this makes us vulnerable. no one likes to feel vulnerable and be open to hurt.
Now back to porn.. it's a conversation that needs to be had, otherwise people are going to get hurt, and more often than not.. the hurt person won't get the support from the offender because they don't see any issue.. all because the conversation was never had. Set the common ground.
Now back to the articles...what I really found interesting was that these two couples with their relationships could easily be the SAME couple.
 It's always easy to pass judgement with only half the facts, as so many of us do. HELL I even pass judgement just from the outfits I see out on the town sometimes...! But on my mission to suspend my judgement and become a well rounded nurse, all these thoughts came flooding to me at about 3am. So here I am smashing away the next day.
The biggest thing I noticed was the absolute death and crucifixion of communication. It was no where to be seen in either of these relationships.
It was GONE. And to speculate, I'd say that over time it just ran dry. You can only flog a dead horse/shout at a deaf mule for SO long before a bad case of the "fuck it" sets in.
I feel both these people need a good does of communication life support.
And i say this from a place that has had many a communication breakdown in their relationship.
I shut off my communication because I'm afraid to rock the boat... yeah laugh it up... I know you don't think of me  like that (those of you who know me) but with my family it's different.
With my husband it's different. It's not his fault. In the past, I was in an really bad relationship, and as a result of that I fear an angry partner. One day I won't and my current partner/husband will get the shock of his life because I said it the first time i was feeling it instead of locking it away in fear.
WOWSER... flood gates are open. i think thats enough about my past life and the shit that went down.
Moral of the story... be kind, be considerate and gain the full picture before offering 'helpful/judgemental' advice. And always try that shoe on the other foot... mmm shoes... shopping... nope. Got to stop it before my eyes glaze over.
Peace out.
G-dawg xx

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Post 22- Realness

Tonight something happened to me.
I went to the hospital to visit some really good, close friends and celebrate the arrival of their gorgeous newborn son.
In this same hospital, just over 10 years ago, merely 100 meters down the corridor, my gorgeous newborn son, first born only son, passed away.
Since that day, 10 long years ago, I had been avoiding the hospital for numerous reasons.
But tonight I went in with a heart of joy and happiness. My hands full of gifts for this new boy and his doting parents. What an amazing family unit they have become.
I was struck with mixed twangs of pain and excitement as the new parents asked me for any advice I had to help them survive this initial period. I once imagined that this would be me. It was hard.
I felt inexperienced giving advice, like somewhat of a fraud, as the feelings of failure and guilt have never really left me and I felt wrong giving them tips, as all my surviving babies were girls.
It was a huge fight for me to beat that inner voice and realise that these new parents respect me and admire the job I have done raising my girls and I should really do the same for myself.
Give myself a god damn break.
Holding their beautiful baby boy and listening to them starting their family life really hit me harder than I thought it would. So much so that it's after midnight and I was silently weeping on my couch and it was in such a good way... a way that made me realise I've been holding these feelings for far too long. In all honestly, how can I possibly expect to help others unless I have first known how to help myself and except help from others.
These friends of mine will make amazing parents. I'm so privileged to have them in my life and, without even knowing it, they've helped me to heal and what a surprise that was for me.
Goodnight all.
Be kind. x

Friday, 20 March 2015

post 21...! sounds like a debrief about getting old but it isn't.

hey everyone! my last two posts we a bit boohoo and real but what can you do really...? life happens and it gets sad... but it also gets all sorts of wonderful too! :) and that's what we can't forget.
The wonderful shit that comes with the bad.
And i've finally reached a point in my life where i'm happy with so much of it.
I have a gorgeous family, a beautiful house, great friends and a new car and a gorgeous pooch and i feel really full in my heart. 

And i'm finally on the career path that rocks my socks.
Since I last wrote, my Grandfather died. So much death... but this didn't make me sad. He was old and he was suffering. It made my mum sad and i hate that.
But all i can do is support her.

So this is my gratification post. I have a lot to be grateful for. I am able bodied. I am healthy. I am articulate, or so I'm told, I have my own belongings, I am free, I am loved, I am financially stable, although a couple of thousand here and there for a rainy day wouldn't be rejected...

You see... every day i am grateful. i don't strive after things that other people have. I am content with my own things and my own self.
It rocks my socks. I find myself being grateful for things more and more.
I am grateful. YAY ME!

ok... now that we've established i'm grateful.... lets talk about the things i'd rather not have in my life. like:

  • Fart smell in my bed that hits me like a fucking stick in the eye at shitful o'clock when i manage to slide in the sheets - cue sleeping husband
  • Public toileting in my private house-cue children. Just today i was trying to poop and one of my dearests brings a parcel into me on the toilet and drops it ON my foot and then cannot close the door again as the parcel is now in the way... FFS.
  • Sharing everything- i don't want to share the game on my phone with you child because my reputation/high score/winning streak is at stake. GO AWAY. i love you but go away.
  • Early morning rush- cue 3 kids getting ready to be flung out the door for the bus, half asleep still, grumpy as fuck and only just brushed and on that note:
  • School lunches- these fuckers have to happen EVERY god damn night. and no... before you start with your brainiac suggestions, I WILL not make them in the morning because morning is NOT my time to shine. It is my time to sleep because in the night time, after everyone else slinks off to bed, I then get some quiet time to study, clean, do fucking invoicing and undo the damage that they all (husband included) cause during the waking hours. So no, no lunches in the morning. I resent making them at all. The same shit everyday x3. And I try and spice it up and not give my kids processed packaged crap because #crapmum and #raisingdiabetes are not on my hash tag agenda.
  • Dodgy computer- I want a new one. Every time I have a serious assignment due... BOOM.. my computer is on the fucking fritz. And you, mouthy, with the big ideas again, I HAVE run every scan you can run and decluttered and defragged and defucked it as much as I can without taking every single program off of it, rendering it brain dead and turning it into a slab with lights.
  • Crappy unstable weather- Shape up for fucks sake. Don't bullshit me with cold in the morning when I leave and then bring out summers finest at lunch time when I haven't shaved under my fucking arms..! sure i'm not a wookie but I hate being hairy, its my personal choice and I choose not to be ok... so sort your shit out and don't fucking feminist shame me into wanting to be non-hairy either. Not to mention I'm now ridiculously sweltering in my winter attire now. Thanks a fuck load. ( I do love the sun though. SO MUCH).
I think that will probably do. Otherwise the universe might crack the poo's at me and be like 'bitch you're more unstable than an elderly lady in the wind' and smite me... but I said all my grateful's first so i'm safe!
Talk to you later, people.
And please, be kind. Too many bitches in the world. Don't be one. 

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Post 20- Things that have happened to me lately.

Ok so I haven't posted lately and this is because some intense things happened in my life.
This post isn't up to my usual hilarious standard of life... Sorry. Shits got real again.
My brother in-law (now ex) of 10 years was tragically killed in a motorbike accident in France. 
I have never felt more disconnected from being able to grieve and have closure. 
I found out about this the day before my first exam. 
It absolutely rocked my world and a new friend that I have made whilst doing this degree, Molly W-P was my absolute rock. She offered anything she possibly could to help me out. This woman is amazing and is going through her own trials and tribulations but the whole time still thinks of others and is the prime example of a giving soul. A true nurse. I'm so pleased to be able to call her my friend. She was with me when I found out... And was checking in on me everyday. Thank you babe. X
Erin Whyte was also a huge support and study buddy from heaven. She pushed me, in a good way, to get my shit together and still push through with my exams despite me crying constantly for a week, even in my sleep so I've been told. Thank you, erin. X
Also, to all my beautiful nurse friends that have built my foundation strong. Thank you.
Molly H, Elise, Renee, Carrie, Nads, Clare, Ruby, Bec and the list goes on! You keep me strong. X
My heart was truly broken. 
Since this event I have pulled my mangled heart back together and forced it forward. I have gone about seeking closure in my own way and with my family. We may be weird, but we are one strong family unit. This very day I still tear up when I think of Alexis and all the things left behind but to him dying was just a small feat in the trail of the beautiful life he lead and all the countries he explored so thoroughly. And I thank him for taking my sister's heart in his hands and showing her the world and then that in turn allowed her to develop and evolve herself like nothing else could.
Thank you Ton Ton for all you taught us. For all the good times and the bad and the crazy.
Now today, I received a text message from a friend to let me know that a former class mate had passed away. 
After talking with other class mates on fb I found out it was a heart attack. 
28 and heart attack. This was, however, not the start and end of his struggle.
He had cheated death before and this makes it even worse. He'd come out the other side of debilitating health issues to live a normal life in the clear. This made everyone so happy for him.
He had another shot at living life to the full... And then to have it cut short again is a huge shock.
I was speaking to him a few months ago and he was really happy with how his life was progressing.
He'd had it tough. Rough times in high school with acceptance and with his health. 
We went to the graduation together. It was great. He wore the matrix tux. It was an absolutely great night. He kindly informed me that when I was dancing my dress was see-through when the light was behind me. We then laughed a lot. I miss those times of a simpler life. You always referred to me as cousin, because we shared two! And for this I'm truly appreciative of. Thank you for our unique connection.
He passed away on the dance floor... Having the time of his life which allows me to feel a slight glimmer of light...
And if I get totally honest with this situation, I don't want to bury another person my age. 
It hurts too damn much. 
It's not fair and I'm letting life know that I'm not ok with it. 
We'd grown distant too which is plaguing me. I know it happens but that feeling of the time you would invest if you knew it's all you had left... I cannot really even process what has happened. 
To your family, I send all the support, prayers and compassion to them. Anything they need I will be happy to accommodate to the best of my ability.

Something I don't like about the degree I'm doing is that now I know too much. I know exactly what failed his body and the worst part is I can find out what could have helped. It is a learned skill but I find it not so helpful when dealing with the loss of a loved one.
This degree is taking over my life and I'm extremely privileged to have this opportunity but it's really taking its toll on me, in more ways than one. I'm not alone feeling this way either. Everyone is feeling the strain. We get two weeks off over Christmas but I feel that it may add insult to injury. 
And I do miss learning when I'm not doing it. And it's only for two years. 
I am trying so hard to not get swallowed up in the stress and the grief and the over all consumption of the flow of life.
For the sake of the people who have had life taken from them. For them I will live my life to the fullest in their memory and honour and not take my opportunity for granted. 
For this reason I want to be the best nurse I can be. 
And yes, I want to save everyone but I know that can't happen but at least I can try with all I have...!

Friday, 15 August 2014

Post 19- Conscious Ramblings about Grief

So this post isn't funny. I'm officially warning you now.
This post is about my feelings.
The feelings I am having after the sudden death of someone I loved and idolised from a very young age.
This person is Robin Williams.
Sure, I didn't know him personally, nor did I ever have the chance to interact with him on social media like I have with other celebrities, and this truly makes me sad.
I have been plagued with sadness about this all week long. I cannot help but feel it deep in my heart when I see a picture of him or watch a short video of him in his element... making people laugh.
I also now notice the sadness around his eyes. I originally struggled to comprehend how someone so incredibly funny and gifted could be so unhappy... but I unpacked it further and the thoughts came to me one morning at about 3am.
It was related back to my own family, on my mothers side. They all have a wicked sense of humour. Much the same as Robin. Some of my greatest laughs have been with them, but they developed this humour to mask things in their life that are hard and emotionally crippling. So to avoid being lost and controlled by these things that are inflicted upon them by life, they then in turn have leaned on humour and alcohol to escape the clutches of life itself. I know for a fact, had it not been the demons that they ran from or masked, that they would not be the hilarious, charismatic and caring people I know today.
And the more that people who actually knew Robin speak of him, the more this becomes evident.
The mask he wore hid his darkness so well.
I wrote this after seeing a post on fb with this picture:

'I think what makes this SO hard is that in this picture in particular its grief and despair on his face... I just want to give him a big hug... but I'm too late. I AM TOO LATE...! and that hurts me deep in my heart because so many times he has made me feel and experience wonderful things... and i cannot give back to him in anyway... I cannot help him. I feel... on some level.. like i have failed him. The world failed him and all he ever did was give his all to the collective happiness of the world.'

And just after I found out on the 11th August, I wrote this on my fb:
'Such a sad morning. #robinwilliams You will be missed. I'm sorry you got so lost in the internal darkness you could no longer see the light and felt you couldn't connect any more. Thanks for all the laughs. You really are one of a kind. I hope you feel lighter now and are surrounded by the light you brought to others so often. Rest in Peace.'

To me, honestly, I don't know why this is a huge deal. It feels like a close family member has died. It actually hurts in my heart. I don't get it. I cannot fathom why. I am feeling the feelings that someone who is grieving would feel. I am grieving. Someone I didn't know... but someone that touched my life in so many ways.
How do you come back from here? Will time really heal the hurts?
Robin was someone who took his own life because they had crossed the line between 'I'm ok' and 'I'm not ok'. I haven't been there. I have been just before that final stop. Just when you reach the point of non-existence.
Let me explain, the point where no one would overly notice or mind if you just faded away. You failed your purpose for being here so you should probably leave now. I'm not saying this is how others feel... it's how YOU(me) feel inside.
I felt this way after my son died. He was 20 weeks old. This is not a flash back in history and it is not about my life but I remember having no thought in the slightest about anything. I was a shell just commuting from one day to the next. I only have minor flashbacks about that time in my life. I call it the 'zombie stage'.
I remember it being like I'd just heard a really loud noise and all I could hear was the high pitched ringing in my ears... but it was my whole life. I was consumed for months by this hollow existence.
Robin, if your are in fact around in spirit form or heaven or whatever comes next, please know I am sorry. I am sorry you suffered silently. I'm sorry you took your own life. I'm sorry that you were alone. I'm sorry for so much... Please also know that I am eternally grateful for getting to know you through the various screens you appeared to me on and changed my life for the better.
I have noticed after each performance you blow a kiss to the crowd with outstretched arms, you then reach back in and clutch your heart, then reach back out as if to say 'thank you, our love is mutual'.
I hope you really felt how loved you were. When you took your life, I hope you did so knowing that the love for you runs so deep that mere mortals on the other side of the world would be struggling to deal with this news because you were loved SO much. You are truly a great man. Thank you for all you have done for everyone on the planet, including myself.
Rest in eternal peace, you've certainly earned it Robin Williams 21/07/51-11/08/14