Wednesday, 4 September 2013
Friday, 2 August 2013
Ok so I'm posting this on my phone..... it may turn to shit because my phone seems to chop words off and change them into different things AFTER I have typed the whole word an pressed space bar.... its a tricky fucker. And who In gods name has the time to proof read everything 3 times with great detail... not I.
Anyway.... I thought I would write about andy & my first date because he is being a turd atm and the best way to not hate him for his shitness is to think of fonder times....!
Ok so... we went to maccas... seems fitting as that's where I am right now... letting my kids burn some energy in a dry play area, cheaper than those actual indoor play areas where kids run havoc & I'm sure those places have numerous diseases live there permanently.
Ok so maccas. I had lily, who was one. Where do u take a one year old who is also on the first date...? So maccas it was.
No one could babysit till later in the evening. so at about 5 pm we headed there to get some food. She played for a little bit and andy carried her to & from the car... which he was super nervous about as he had never held a child before. I didn't really even consider this until he mentioned it later. So we dropped lily off at mums at about 6.30. We then frigged around there for a while talking to mum & doing the giant cross word, which i later found out andy hated but did anyway, until about 10pm. Then we decided to watch some movies at Andys house because his parents were away... so we left mums. And we HAD to get some alcohol.... I was so nervous... so we went to the warratah that was a 24/7 bottle o, as 9/11 was not really close at that time....All those many years ago.
I wanted a 4 pack of vodka cruiser ice & andy was getting something else....
He hoped out of the car.... I was sitting there In his BMW convertible...alone.... With the roof on. Safe. Safe to let rip a huge deadly fart.... a hot burning my cheeks fart...safe... done...or so I thought...! After letting rip for what seemed like forever I was then disturbed by a tapping at the window.. it was andy. I hesitated. I realized I hadn't thought about how to get the smell out before he got back.... but he was already back... at MY door...! Fark. Fark Fark farkity FAAAARRRRK.
edit undo was not going to cut it. 'What?' I mouthed trying to not actually take in any air... I couldn't hear him. My attempts were frugal. He then opened the door as the electric windows didn't work because the ignition was off.... oh drat & dread. Too late now.
I watch his beautiful face change from peaceful & calm to somewhat confused and hostile... his warm brown eyes slowly fill with water as he relayed the message to me that they didn't have the ice flavour I requested...
What should I do..?? He is clearly being swamped in the face, full frontal style, by my toxic bottom air. Air from my arse. This gorgeous man... was smelling my arse air. Oh god. I am dying....He is also clearly dying...! I asked him for any flavour except guava as that tastes like body odor...! (Seriously does... I shit u not). He turned to walk away.... not knowing what the fuck had just swamped his senses... and the I called out sheepishly & said 'oh andy.... I farted. It really smells. I'm sorry.'
He smiled and then laughed a little and said 'thank god for that cause I wasn't sure what was going on!'
And that was the end of that. I bet you thought I was going to talk about an embarrassing sex story... nope. We didn't bang for ages. He was a gentlemen & I was a lady....! Except for my farting.... but hey... could be worse.
And now we married with lots of kids. 6 years on...
Now I fart on him I the bed... and pretend I'm asleep...! :D
Monday, 22 July 2013
Lets talk about awkward... awkward in all its sense of the word. an uncomfortable thing or event... that causes you to want to be eject out of the situation promptly... well that is what I think about when i say awkward.
lets talk ab out awkward scenario's.
one. i encountered this just the other day.... trying to put a tampon in, in a public toilet whilst your nearly 4yo twin girls are in the cubicle with you...! That my friends... is awkward. not just trying to do it... but trying to do it discreetly and with as little questioning from above mentioned children as possible... did i mention i was hovering above the seat during this whole event as i don't like touching public toilets in public parks where there are needle bins placed frequently around- better they are there than not i hear some of you mumble... yes quite right... but it still makes ME feel dirty and unclean and vulnerable and i'm not even using the stuff!-See that judgement i'm just oozing with without even realising... this is what makes me sad at myself..! sociology... what have you done to me...! i try not to be like this... and i will try harder.
two. having a conversation with someone when either one of you is on the toilet... a wee... sure ok you can get away with that being a woman as its hands free domain and then one handed domain... but for guys... risky business..! i don't fancy cleaning piss off the toilet and walls because YOU were on the phone... not naming names... anyway a wee.. yes but when u hear the sound of someone else poop hitting the water via the phone... its really not great. In a public toilet you expect this... on a phone call... you do not.
three. Being busted having 'special time' by your in-laws.
This is embarrassing. THIS is probably really bad bad bad. I won't tell the story as my husband will murder me in my sleep... but his mum was a champ and distracted the rest of the invading party long enough for me to sit up and his pants to be up...! awkward. not a word was spoken about it and i'm not even sure she knew what was going on but it certainly helped with her stalling tactic!
four. Being busted going hammer and tongs by your children... also embarrassing but when they are young you can divert the topic easily... when they are nearly 7 and make a point of trying to sneak into your room because they are weird in the mind & curious is not ok... and results in lots of yelling...! Luckily none of my children are quiet breathers and give themselves away! This is also a time the above mentioned eldest child tries to bargain for such things as the ipad as she knows i'm so desperate to get some i'll practically give her my bank card & computer and say 'help yourself..! welcome to ebay. now get out.' she is my daughter after all and shopping is something she loves!!
five. tripping over in public. this is very awkward. especially if you have a huge audience to watch the stunning event unfold...! Its even WORSE if you're out at a club trying to look cool with a frigging moon boot on one foot-trying to heal your shattered ankle- but still trying to maintain the 'i'm sexy and i know it' look...! luckily for me...i have a husband... who already knows i'm a douche. so when i went sliding down across the floor in a popular drinking venue and he had already made a b-line for the refreshments area (aka bar) i just pretended to be a michael jackson wannabe... hence the ridiculous boot... moon walk my way out of there to then have numerous shots of strong alcohol as that shit REALLY hurt...! and queue brave face..!
six. wardrobe malfunctions. Anywhere... anytime... this shit is awkward. i have a lovely silk dress that fits me apart from my basoomas (breasts). so dance, dance, dance at a Christian wedding (and lots of alcohol later) and look down to see that one basooma is nippling a big hello to the other members of the dance floor. FML. miniature safety pins to the rescue! for 5 mins it was all going well... then miniature safety pins also malfunctioned and i was left to putting my cardi on and retreating from the dance floor. Only more alcohol could cover this up. This is also the night i fell pregnant with my twins... looks like my basoomas lured my husband in accidentally :p
seven. whilst we are on the topic of weddings... and falling in public...and malfunctioning... lets talk about mine. No i didn't fall... was a scared i would fall..? YES! but did i..? NO! i did not malfunction either!But a patron who attended was labelled as 'that drunk bitch that fell over' ALL because a dance off was talking place along side where she was also dancing a a rogue foot from a participant in said competition collected the back of her knee and sent her A over T sprawled egale into the middle of the dance floor. Everyone just thought she had had too many frozen daiquiris...! I later found out from her that she had not... and the dance participant with the freindly legs got what was coming to him and split his pants about 5 mins later trying the old grind on down to the ground manoeuvre... FOOL. so it was highly entertaining for all to witness!
eight. Getting half way through waxing your privates and either a. freak out and go all chicken shit or b. are rudely interrupted by offspring and then bring on the barrage of questions..! :s this never ends well either way... it usually results in me having to have a hot shower and try again another time... after some stiff drinks. Put viagra in that shit... that's how stiff i'm talking...
nine. seeing a person naked you did not WANT to see naked. This is never good. Its worse when its your father in law parading across his bedroom naked with the door wide open and you... in the bathroom opposite (fully clothed) and brushing your teeth... or i should say... now choking. These things can never be unseen... then it also leaves the awkward moment of... what to do next... he didn't notice me there... FRIG. Soooo... i moved out of sight of the mirror and hoped that if i made some loud noise he would put some clothes on...! No luck... selective deafness was ruling here... ok so MAYBE if i just band over at the sink and rinse my mouth i will not have to look at anything and when i'm done it will be all over...!?! YES. plan in action and was a complete success. he noticed me there (after he was fully clothed) and made a joke about how awkward that could have been IF i'd seen anything... i just laughed and agreed... :s
ten. farting in public and being busted...when you have kids... its ok to blame them. i figure its my right of passage but they reach an age where you can't blame them or they will out you about your fake blame louder than the original fart actually was... which is what happened to me with my fog horn child.
in big w, i farted. it was loud and somewhat awkwardly long but i blamed a twin... and just said... 'oh dear... do you need to go to the toilet..?' as on lookers and hearers where thinking 'wtf was THAT...?'... i caught the eye of another woman who smiled sweetly after hearing my questioning of the toddler (aka the 'offender')... PHEW home and hosed i thought... until seconds later fog horn mcgee pipes up with 'oh mummy! that was your stinky pop... not mine! Silly mummy. not mine nu-uh!'. FUCK. i tried to quiet foggy mc fog horn but NO.... it became a game... and then the other twin sang along 'mummy did a stinky pop. silly mummy. silly mummy. not me nu-uh.' FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRKING oath. so i grabbed the shit i needed and got out ASAP. if all else fails ... RETREAT!
i could honestly go on about AWKWARD stuff all day but i won't as i don't want my whole awkward life being published on my blog... just the parts that I choose, damn it!
Hope you are all well!
this is me, signing off, back to crazy town i go ... and mess fest... noooo.
Monday, 15 April 2013
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
this is just a quick one about something i noticed today...
i was out in the yard... picking up the dog poop when i noticed...
it was camouflaged with its surroundings..! Thank almighty god that i had not stepped in any on a previous occasion given that it is damn near INVISIBLE...!
now i know what ur thinking... dog poop... brown...smelly and can't miss it...
well THAT is where ur wrong my friends....
my dog has specially designed her poop to blend in with its new surroundings.
we have these large-ish (in a scale of pine bark) round rock looking pine bark chunks in our garden beds...
no... i did not put them there. i think they are shit... but they were there when we moved in...
ANYWAY... i was picking up the one obvious shit on the green bit of the lawn... on the outskirts of the main grass... my dog is considerate like that...AND i just happened to scan with my eyes BRIEFLY and notice that there were A LOT of poops disguised in with this bark stuff...!!
i was in shock... how in the hell did this happen... and its not just one shade of brown... there are multiple shades of brown! at least 10..! how on earth did my dog manage to poop her poops to match its surroundings..?!?! i need poop colour swatches... but alas.. no one makes those... and i don't plan on being the first... so i just continued on my merry way around the outskirts of our houses garden beds fascinated with what i found...!
my conclusion is... someone needs to make poop swatches, my dog can poop A LOT and in a lot of different shades AND she thankfully can't poop green grass coloured poops... that would be SHIT!
ha ha! get it...?!?! anyway its late. i'm tired.
talk to u soon baboons! (i don't really think ur baboons... it just rhymed). xx
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
i have a thing that a i do... i think i can do something REALLY well until I'm half way through doing it and then realise that i actually suck at it MASSIVELY...
like sucking big fat salty balls...not tasty lyndt chocolate balls.
take sewing for example...
I'm ok at cutting and pinning... But then there is the machining...
Ohhhhhhh the machine senses my fear & feeds of it like a shark...!
It knows I'm afraid but it lures me in with its little warm light to help me see & stitch instructions on the OUTSIDE of the actual machine...!
What could go wrong I blissfully think to myself... How could i possibly stuff this thing up...?!?!
Ok little machine... I say as I sit down and pat it gently...!
Lets give it a go...!
So I start... Pushing lightly on the pedal...
It eggs me on...
I'm doing it!!
IM FUCKING DOING IT..!
I'm lured fully into my false sense of security...
Totally over my head and then... BOOM.
1 or all of 3 things will happen;
the bobbin with fuck up and all my sewing was just a huge false lie as as soon as i turn the fabric over there is NO stitching on that side (FFS), the material gets stuck on the feeding foot OR the needle snaps & hits me in the fucking eye.
When all 3 happen at once, I down tools & vow to return... But it doesn't happen till about 2 years later when I forget that this is what happens and try again...
That is what happens when i try to sew.
i go into places like spotlight and then i find all this awesome fabric and buy it thinking of all the crafty shit i can make... only to be SLAPPED in the face by the cold steely coating of the machine.
The give them friendly names like 'Singer' and 'Janome'...
sounds like an Asian or american country mum right..?
wrong its Godzilla in a white coat...!
so yeah... there is a small idea of what happens to me when i attempt to do things that i think i'm good at and i'm actually not...!
i will write a continuum to this post soon... (pro-word alert!)
love u all! xx
i personally linked u natski and dan because you guys actually sew!!
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
how was it..? crazy festiveness...?
isn't it funny how at christmas time you get together with people you'd rather not see listen to them talk about things you really give NO shits about..! yeehaa! sounds great hey..! if it wasn't for the food sometimes i would totally opt out of christmas.
so how are those bikini bodies going...? i have purchased a new one piece...if that answers your question..!
bikinis... pfft totally over rated!
anyway... this blog i thought i might crap on a bit about gigs... like music ones.
i actually go to a fair few thanks to my husband and family members gracefully accepting the role of babysitting.
i love gigs. my loves are 'sam cole & the mornings' and the 'christopher coleman collective'. loving those guys at the moment. anyway i was at the taste festival tonight a the christopher coleman collective was playing...! stoked. i stood there and let the tears well up in my eyes when chris sang the song that his dad wrote about loving his mum... and how she died at the end it gets me every time.... anyway balling in public is not on any of my lists of things to do so i quickly cut that shit out but seriously... these guys are good..!
anyway... i was noticing that there are 'groups' of types that go to gigs.
there are the weird unwashed and hairy types... these can also be the actual musicians...
then there are the loud annoying and dressed in the 90's group. they talk overly loud during the sets... annoying. then they may also dance around like knobs and knock into other people enjoying the music...
THEN there are the mellows...this is me... i hold my drink, i find my spot i stand there and let my WHOLE being be absorbed by the wonderful music its being subjected too...
then there is the jumping annoying dick face cock heads that mosh to everything... even announcements. stand the fark still before i charge to the front where u INSIST on being and punch u in the A.dick, B. face or C. BOTH... simultaneously!!! dont fucking tempt me u mother farker....
these people get me annoyed.
ok so you're at falls. u NEED to mosh because ur pinging off your face on some illicit substance... sure... i get that but we are in a smallish room, or a theatre or something not as large as falls and ur frigging jumping on my foot and spilling my drink that i already can't afford to buy and is massively watered down...!!!
and the main point is the music does not require moshing... it needs to be relished and absorbed.
i don't care what people wear to gigs as long as they wear deodorant... and i dont see flaps or actual dick.
once again... i am showing my age. i love good music and i love thos who produce it. one day i will sing again... and maybe i'll tell those dicks NOT to mosh to my music at MY gig... who knows...!
merry christmas and a happy new year to you all!! there are wonderful things abut music soothing the soul.
let it in and let it heal you.
sorry this is NOT hilarious... its just another thing thats ticking this ageing bird off! :P