Wednesday, 27 February 2013

blog 9- dog poop

hello faithful friends...!
this is just a quick one about something i noticed today...
i was out in the yard... picking up the dog poop when i noticed...
it was camouflaged with its surroundings..! Thank almighty god that i had not stepped in any on a previous occasion given that it is damn near INVISIBLE...!
now i know what ur thinking... dog poop... brown...smelly and can't miss it...
well THAT is where ur wrong my friends....
my dog has specially designed her poop to blend in with its new surroundings.
we have these large-ish (in a scale of pine bark) round rock looking pine bark chunks in our garden beds...
no... i did not put them there. i think they are shit... but they were there when we moved in...
ANYWAY... i was picking up the one obvious shit on the green bit of the lawn... on the outskirts of the main grass... my dog is considerate like that...AND i just happened to scan with my eyes BRIEFLY and notice that there were A LOT of poops disguised in with this bark stuff...!!
WTF!
i was in shock... how in the hell did this happen... and its not just one shade of brown... there are multiple shades of brown! at least 10..! how on earth did my dog manage to poop her poops to match its surroundings..?!?! i need poop colour swatches... but alas.. no one makes those... and i don't plan on being the first... so i just continued on my merry way around the outskirts of our houses garden beds fascinated with what i found...!
my conclusion is... someone needs to make poop swatches, my dog can poop A LOT and in a lot of different shades AND she thankfully can't poop green grass coloured poops... that would be SHIT!
ha ha! get it...?!?! anyway its late. i'm tired.
talk to u soon baboons! (i don't really think ur baboons... it just rhymed). xx

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

blog 8- things i think i can do... but realise i can't... whilst i'm doing it.

ok so here's the thing....
i have a thing that a i do... i think i can do something REALLY well until I'm half way through doing it and then realise that i actually suck at it MASSIVELY...
like sucking big fat salty balls...not tasty lyndt chocolate balls.
take sewing for example...

I'm ok at cutting and pinning... But then there is the machining... 
Ohhhhhhh the machine senses my fear & feeds of it like a shark...! 
It knows I'm afraid but it lures me in with its little warm light to help me see & stitch instructions on the OUTSIDE of the actual machine...! 
What could go wrong I blissfully think to myself... How could i possibly stuff this thing up...?!?!
Ok little machine... I say as I sit down and pat it gently...! 
Lets give it a go...! 
So I start... Pushing lightly on the pedal... 
It's good. 
It eggs me on... 
Faster faster...! 
I'm doing it!! 
IM FUCKING DOING IT..! 
I'm lured fully into my false sense of security... 
Totally over my head and then... BOOM. 
1 or all of 3 things will happen; 
the bobbin with fuck up and all my sewing was just a huge false lie as as soon as i turn the fabric over there is NO stitching on that side (FFS), the material gets stuck on the feeding foot OR the needle snaps & hits me in the fucking eye. 
When all 3 happen at once, I down tools & vow to return... But it doesn't happen till about 2 years later when I forget that this is what happens and try again...
That is what happens when i try to sew.
i go into places like spotlight and then i find all this awesome fabric and buy it thinking of all the crafty shit i can make... only to be SLAPPED in the face by the cold steely coating of the machine.
The give them friendly names like 'Singer' and 'Janome'...
sounds like an Asian or american country mum right..?
wrong its Godzilla in a white coat...!
so yeah... there is a small idea of what happens to me when i attempt to do things that i think i'm good at and i'm actually not...!
i will write a continuum to this post soon... (pro-word alert!)
love u all! xx
 i personally linked u natski and dan because you guys actually sew!!
http://www.facebook.com/raggy.taggies.35?fref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/danielle.patten.52?fref=ts