Monday, 22 July 2013

11... lets talk about 'awkward'

HELLO my readers of this blog and faithful friends... lets face it... it you read this you ARE my friend...!
Lets talk about awkward... awkward in all its sense of the word. an uncomfortable thing or event... that causes you to want to be eject out of the situation promptly... well that is what I think about when i say awkward.

lets talk ab out awkward scenario's.
one.  i encountered this just the other day.... trying to put a tampon in, in a public toilet whilst your nearly 4yo twin girls are in the cubicle with you...! That my friends... is awkward. not just trying to do it... but trying to do it discreetly and with as little questioning from above mentioned children as possible... did i mention i was hovering above the seat during this whole event as i don't like touching public toilets in public parks where there are needle bins placed frequently around- better they are there than not i hear some of you mumble... yes quite right... but it still makes ME feel dirty and unclean and vulnerable and i'm not even using the stuff!-See that judgement i'm just oozing with without even realising... this is what makes me sad at myself..! sociology... what have you done to me...! i try not to be like this... and i will try harder.
ANYWAY...
two. having a conversation with someone when either one of you is on the toilet... a wee... sure ok you can get away with that being a woman as its hands free domain and then one handed domain... but for guys... risky business..! i don't fancy cleaning piss off the toilet and walls because YOU were on the phone... not naming names... anyway a wee.. yes but when u hear the sound of someone else poop hitting the water via the phone... its really not great. In a public toilet you expect this... on a phone call... you do not.

three. Being busted having 'special time' by your in-laws.
This is embarrassing. THIS is probably really bad bad bad. I won't tell the story as my husband will murder me in my sleep... but his mum was a champ and distracted the rest of the invading party long enough for me to sit up and his pants to be up...! awkward. not a word was spoken about it and i'm not even sure she knew what was going on but it certainly helped with her stalling tactic!

four. Being busted going hammer and tongs by your children... also embarrassing but when they are young you can divert the topic easily... when they are nearly 7 and make a point of trying to sneak into your room because they are weird in the mind & curious is not ok... and results in lots of yelling...! Luckily none of my children are quiet breathers and give themselves away! This is also a time the above mentioned eldest child tries to bargain for such things as the ipad as she knows i'm so desperate to get some i'll practically give her my bank card & computer and say 'help yourself..! welcome to ebay. now get out.' she is my daughter after all and shopping is something she loves!!

five. tripping over in public. this is very awkward. especially if you have a huge audience to watch the stunning event unfold...! Its even WORSE if you're out at a club trying to look cool with a frigging moon boot on one foot-trying to heal your shattered ankle- but still trying to maintain the 'i'm sexy and i know it' look...! luckily for me...i have a husband... who already knows i'm a douche. so when i went sliding down across the floor in a popular drinking venue and he had already made a b-line for the refreshments area (aka bar) i just pretended to be a michael jackson wannabe... hence the ridiculous boot... moon walk my way out of there to then have numerous shots of strong alcohol as that shit REALLY hurt...! and queue brave face..!

six. wardrobe malfunctions. Anywhere... anytime... this shit is awkward. i have a lovely silk dress that fits me apart from my basoomas (breasts). so dance, dance, dance at a Christian wedding (and lots of alcohol later) and look down to see that one basooma is nippling a big hello to the other members of the dance floor. FML. miniature safety pins to the rescue! for 5 mins it was all going well... then miniature safety pins also malfunctioned and i was left to putting my cardi on and retreating from the dance floor. Only more alcohol could cover this up. This is also the night i fell pregnant with my twins... looks like my basoomas lured my husband in accidentally :p

seven. whilst we are on the topic of weddings... and falling in public...and malfunctioning... lets talk about mine. No i didn't fall... was a scared i would fall..? YES! but did i..? NO! i did not malfunction either!But a patron who attended was labelled as 'that drunk bitch that fell over' ALL because a dance off was talking place along side where she was also dancing a a rogue foot from a participant in said competition collected the back of her knee and sent her A over T sprawled egale into the middle of the dance floor. Everyone just thought she had had too many frozen daiquiris...! I later found out from her that she had not... and the dance participant with the freindly legs got what was coming to him and split his pants about 5 mins later trying the old grind on down to the ground manoeuvre... FOOL. so it was highly entertaining for all to witness!

eight. Getting half way through waxing your privates and either a. freak out and go all chicken shit or b. are rudely interrupted by offspring and then bring on the barrage of questions..! :s this never ends well either way... it usually results in me having to have a hot shower and try again another time... after some stiff drinks. Put viagra in that shit... that's how stiff i'm talking...

nine. seeing a person naked you did not WANT to see naked. This is never good. Its worse when its your father in law parading across his bedroom naked with the door wide open and you... in the bathroom opposite (fully clothed) and brushing your teeth... or i should say... now choking. These things can never be unseen... then it also leaves the awkward moment of... what to do next... he didn't notice me there... FRIG. Soooo... i moved out of sight of the mirror and hoped that if i made some loud noise he would put some clothes on...! No luck... selective deafness was ruling here... ok so MAYBE if i just band over at the sink and rinse my mouth i will not have to look at anything and when i'm done it will be all over...!?! YES. plan in action and was a complete success. he noticed me there (after he was fully clothed) and made a joke about how awkward that could have been IF i'd seen anything... i just laughed and agreed... :s

ten. farting in public and being busted...when you have kids... its ok to blame them. i figure its my right of passage but they reach an age where you can't blame them or they will out you about your fake blame louder than the original fart actually was... which is what happened to me with my fog horn child.
in big w, i farted. it was loud and somewhat awkwardly long but i blamed a twin... and just said... 'oh dear... do you need to go to the toilet..?' as on lookers and hearers where thinking 'wtf was THAT...?'... i caught the eye of another woman who smiled sweetly after hearing my questioning of the toddler (aka the 'offender')... PHEW home and hosed i thought... until seconds later fog horn mcgee pipes up with 'oh mummy! that was your stinky pop... not mine! Silly mummy. not mine nu-uh!'. FUCK. i tried to quiet foggy mc fog horn but NO.... it became a game... and then the other twin sang along 'mummy did a stinky pop. silly mummy. silly mummy. not me nu-uh.' FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRKING oath. so i grabbed the shit i needed and got out ASAP. if all else fails ... RETREAT!

i could honestly go on about AWKWARD stuff all day but i won't as i don't want my whole awkward life being published on my blog... just the parts that I choose, damn it!
Hope you are all well!
this is me, signing off, back to crazy town i go ... and mess fest... noooo.
Gracie x