Sunday, 14 December 2014

Post 20- Things that have happened to me lately.

Ok so I haven't posted lately and this is because some intense things happened in my life.
This post isn't up to my usual hilarious standard of life... Sorry. Shits got real again.
My brother in-law (now ex) of 10 years was tragically killed in a motorbike accident in France. 
I have never felt more disconnected from being able to grieve and have closure. 
I found out about this the day before my first exam. 
It absolutely rocked my world and a new friend that I have made whilst doing this degree, Molly W-P was my absolute rock. She offered anything she possibly could to help me out. This woman is amazing and is going through her own trials and tribulations but the whole time still thinks of others and is the prime example of a giving soul. A true nurse. I'm so pleased to be able to call her my friend. She was with me when I found out... And was checking in on me everyday. Thank you babe. X
Erin Whyte was also a huge support and study buddy from heaven. She pushed me, in a good way, to get my shit together and still push through with my exams despite me crying constantly for a week, even in my sleep so I've been told. Thank you, erin. X
Also, to all my beautiful nurse friends that have built my foundation strong. Thank you.
Molly H, Elise, Renee, Carrie, Nads, Clare, Ruby, Bec and the list goes on! You keep me strong. X
My heart was truly broken. 
Since this event I have pulled my mangled heart back together and forced it forward. I have gone about seeking closure in my own way and with my family. We may be weird, but we are one strong family unit. This very day I still tear up when I think of Alexis and all the things left behind but to him dying was just a small feat in the trail of the beautiful life he lead and all the countries he explored so thoroughly. And I thank him for taking my sister's heart in his hands and showing her the world and then that in turn allowed her to develop and evolve herself like nothing else could.
Thank you Ton Ton for all you taught us. For all the good times and the bad and the crazy.
Now today, I received a text message from a friend to let me know that a former class mate had passed away. 
After talking with other class mates on fb I found out it was a heart attack. 
28 and heart attack. This was, however, not the start and end of his struggle.
He had cheated death before and this makes it even worse. He'd come out the other side of debilitating health issues to live a normal life in the clear. This made everyone so happy for him.
He had another shot at living life to the full... And then to have it cut short again is a huge shock.
I was speaking to him a few months ago and he was really happy with how his life was progressing.
He'd had it tough. Rough times in high school with acceptance and with his health. 
We went to the graduation together. It was great. He wore the matrix tux. It was an absolutely great night. He kindly informed me that when I was dancing my dress was see-through when the light was behind me. We then laughed a lot. I miss those times of a simpler life. You always referred to me as cousin, because we shared two! And for this I'm truly appreciative of. Thank you for our unique connection.
He passed away on the dance floor... Having the time of his life which allows me to feel a slight glimmer of light...
And if I get totally honest with this situation, I don't want to bury another person my age. 
It hurts too damn much. 
It's not fair and I'm letting life know that I'm not ok with it. 
We'd grown distant too which is plaguing me. I know it happens but that feeling of the time you would invest if you knew it's all you had left... I cannot really even process what has happened. 
To your family, I send all the support, prayers and compassion to them. Anything they need I will be happy to accommodate to the best of my ability.

Something I don't like about the degree I'm doing is that now I know too much. I know exactly what failed his body and the worst part is I can find out what could have helped. It is a learned skill but I find it not so helpful when dealing with the loss of a loved one.
This degree is taking over my life and I'm extremely privileged to have this opportunity but it's really taking its toll on me, in more ways than one. I'm not alone feeling this way either. Everyone is feeling the strain. We get two weeks off over Christmas but I feel that it may add insult to injury. 
And I do miss learning when I'm not doing it. And it's only for two years. 
I am trying so hard to not get swallowed up in the stress and the grief and the over all consumption of the flow of life.
For the sake of the people who have had life taken from them. For them I will live my life to the fullest in their memory and honour and not take my opportunity for granted. 
For this reason I want to be the best nurse I can be. 
And yes, I want to save everyone but I know that can't happen but at least I can try with all I have...!