Monday, 16 November 2015

post 24- everything you've ever done amounts to not much... except numbers

** there is some fricken errors in this post with the font that are a glitch and i cannot fix sorry**
This is pre-grad position release; Further down is post grad position release.

So as my degree draws to a close it's becoming inevitably clear that despite how good you are at what you do and how good you are at retaining the information and demonstrating it... if you don't get a GPA that is right up there... you will not be successful in job applications.
It doesn't matter that every place you've been on placement have repeatedly said that if it were up to them they would have you working there asap.
It is down to how well you can write about things in essays. And even then, you're not home and hosed because every lecturer, tutor or unit coordinator likes it a different way.
I love how you are told to write, so you do, only to have it ripped to shreds, not for its content but the way you portrayed the information and the bits you chose to portray.
I am not alone in suffering the inconsistency of university.
But i feel i am about to become extremely alone when i am not offered a graduate position.
I hope i do get offered one... but the likelihood of that is getting less and less.
No one seems to understand... except those also in this position. Outsiders try to understand but nothing an remove the heaviness in the pit of your stomach as slowly, everyone gets interviews or phone calls and you get nothing...
See my problem is this; i have too much going in my life that something has to give. The children aren't it, my husband and his business aren't it... do you know what it is? it's me. It is my time and my plan that is always compromising for my family and now because of that i may miss out on a graduate position because i did not have the time to devote to the assignments that i should have. Pulling all nighters and having two jobs as well as raising three children (four if you include my husband) is a tough gig and my quality of work has suffered as a result. I don't want to resent my family but the feelings come creeping in, especially when my marks pre-kids & husband were high.
I sit here tonight with one hope left in the public health system, that they will offer me a job.
As i have nothing left to give. i have given my all, i have cried all my tears and nursed my arse off and quite possibly could turn around empty handed. feeling like my all, my all that i could afford to give without completely ruining my family (although placement nearly does), is not actually good enough.
Something i know for sure is i am a bloody good nurse. I give it my all. When i am nursing, that is all that matters. I am in the moment. I am not sacrificing my time for my families priorities. I am 100% there and present. That's what hurts the most... i can't demonstrate that on an assignments. My placement feedback reflects it but hardly anyone wants to look at that. It all comes down to those numbers...
After all what are we in life but some frigging numbers...


Post grad position;
I'm good but poo at the same time.  Like all good nurses, lets start with poo first;


I didn't get a first round offer for any of the hospitals or aged care i aplied to.
I was ok with it on Wednesday when the news broke but i felt heavy in my chest. I continued along but by Thursday afternoon, having tolerated two full, long days of people's success being shoved down my throat, not even keeping off social media could spare me... people felt the need to text me- which was a HUGE test for me, anyway on Thursday evening i broke down. I sat on the floor in my toilet and actually cried (howled) the hardest i've cried since my sons funeral because i don't think i've ever felt like more of a failure than at those two points in my life.
Anyway, after my children broke into the toilet to cuddle me, i scraped myself together and let it wash over me and the reality of the situation that this is not the end really sank in. 
I felt so much better on Friday... Sure i didn't look better... all puffy etc but i felt free and light.
I love my PEP but i had been holding back a bit because i doubted myself and everything i knew because i felt i wasn't good enough to be employed which OBVIOUSLY meant i sucked at nursing.
But on Friday, i let go of that bullshit. Took on some patients and was given some of the best 
feedback i've ever had. The nurse i was with requested that i stay and help instead of attending PPE 
training (as i'd done it a few months before for casual job) so that was also nice.
I've honestly never felt more at ease nursing than when i'm nursing for these little people.

So in summary... i love it. Morale of my story is this:
I needed to get over my insecurities and know that i may not look to flash on paper (thanks to my 
own busy life and my own kiddies... no resentment there... can you tell?) but i DO know my stuff and i'm going to keep doing my absolute best because it's not over yet...
The struggle is real and it has really helped me see people for who they really are. There are those that are humble in their triumph over others... and then there are those who are fuck sticks about it... forgetting that they too were standing where i am only moments earlier...
It can't be helped. That is just who they are and i am not fleeting in my happiness for them. I am genuinely happy and one day when i am in the same position i will be mindful to consider those not as fortunate... as well as congratulating those that struggled hard for the position they gained. Celebrating is fine and essential but considerate celebrating is also kind. Every single person i have talked to has found this course a struggle at some point or another.... not one person is more deserving than another. If only the truth of the situation regarding the shortage of RNs was realised... then we'd all have jobs....