Tuesday, 25 October 2016

25- what a time to be alive

Hi all,
So my last post was like 10 months ago.

It was a complete snapshot of my mental health collapsing after i had endured an non-stop two year torture to gain a nursing degree.
Which i have done.
I now have two jobs that i love very much and they cement for me that i am on the right path.
It has been a very busy but interesting time.
I have worked my arse off and are doing a ridiculous amount of hours between two establishments but i love every second of it.
So in a nutshell... my previous post was raw, honest, sore and bitchy but it was what it was.
I thought my world and everything i was striving for was over. Turns out, ye of little faith, it was only just beginning... ANd i haven't forgotte where i came from. I am still helping those i studied with get jobs because we are all in this together.

Anyway, the purpose for this blog is to unpack body image. I just saw the movie 'Embrace', starring Taryn Brumfitt. If you don't know anything about the movie, click here; wiki link or the trailer.
It discusses how the media is shaping our thoughts and expectations around our bodies and how we strive to be something we're not.
Kind of touching on always setting ourselves up for failure and having unrealistic expectations from the bodies we have ultimately resulting in self hate.
It was a really interesting topic. I dislike the way i look. I don't like my body after having kids. I often joke to people and say 'if i knew what would happen to my body after having kids (stretch marks) i'd have been naked all the time beforehand!' and it's actually not a joke.
I see the people in this movie talking about loving themselves and it just seems like i will never be able to do it...
BUT it doesn't mean i'm not going to try because about a month ago, Mimi (7 yo) put her school jacket on in the morning ready for the bus and then promptly took it off and said ' i can't wear that, it makes me look fat'.
A piece of me died inside.
This child, MY child, MY creation is beautiful.
All my children are beautiful.
I want them to see themselves how i see them.
Completely perfect just as they are.
This is when i realised there was a problem.
I realised that i had helped create the problem.
I ask if i look fat in clothes all the time.
I am not confident and struggle to feel good in clothes.
Don't get me wrong... i love clothes... and naked isn't an option either. it's worse if you ask me.
But see that's the core of the problem. I have no self love. I am not treating myself with gratitude.
I've carried 4 babies.
Two of them were at the same time.
It has not been easy.
It was not a walk in the park.
Only one of my children weighed under 7lb and that's because he was a premie.
So my body has done a good job there.
Hearing Mimi talk like that has already changed the way i speak around the house and regarding appearance and i am now on the long journey of learning to love myself.
I will strive to be the best i can be, because right now i know that i need to take time out for me to exercise and clear my mind because my body needs the endorphin's not because i want to punish myself for not fitting the social norm of 'beautiful'.
This road will be slow and sometimes those voices inside my head might win... but their fight to control my thoughts just got a lot harder.
I have three daughters to raise and i am not going to raise them in the ideals that they need to look a certain way to feel beautiful, be happy and accepted.
I will do right by my daughters.

Thanks for reading,

Gracie

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